Headlines Archive

2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK FOUR

  • League working on sexy “The Men of TFL” calendar, please email boudoir photos to fugamt@msn.com by the end of the this week

  • Steve’s stacked squad hit a scoring peak this week, claps Anthony’s cheeks, hopes this starts a first place streak

  • Much like that weird City Bev night that Patrick and Tristen won’t talk about, Pat declines to comment on losing his first game of the season to Mike

  • Andy’s loss to Greg’s puts them both at 2-1, “All I care about is that I’m doing better than Keith” says Andy

  • Not a midnight dreary for Charles as Ravens lead him to victory, putting Billy in last place, evermore

  • Andrew’s team folds like CeeDee Lamb’s ankle, giving Keith his first victory of the season

  • TFL inks sponsorship deal with Land O’ Frost cold cut company, “Ain’t nobody picking their own damn jersey colors so shut the fuck up” says company president David Van Eekeren 

  • Games to watch in Week 4: With 6 teams at 2-1, four of them face each other - Patrick vs. Steve, and Mike vs. Charles


2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK THREE

  • Patrick and Andy remain undefeated, while Keith and Billy are trampled under foot

  • Charles has powerful surge to top Mike in a tight come-from-behind victory. Buttsex.

  • Open mic catches Patrick talking trash on Steve, calls him “green”, “unstarted”, and “A pony of less than 12 hands”, horsetalk equivalent to dropping the N word.

  • First to worst? Anthony’s team, and ego, deflates after major blowout loss

  • Tristen briefly pops out of burrow to say “Hey Derbs”, predicting six more weeks of pre-season quality football

  • Greg is triumphant over Billy in the fantasy football equivalent of “Dinner For Schmucks”

  • Ram’s head coach Sean McVay tears foot ligament during game, Mike tears groin ligament watching Ram’s cheerleaders

  • “The glass is half full”, says Steve, as he downs his bourbon after loss that drops him to 1-1

  • Games to watch in week 3: #1 Patrick goes up against #3 Mike, Steve and Anthony are both 1-1 and only one can walk away with a winning record


2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK TWO

  • Anthony has highest scoring team of the week, defends his championship in epic shootout

  • Still praying for a stat correction, Keith devastated to have lost by by less than a point, demands to speak to Yahoo’s manager

  • Mike, Pat, and Steve earn respectable wins, Andy somehow gets to have a win on his record as well

  • Manager’s children not thrilled about their parents watching football all day, “Bullshit” exclaims Theo

  • “I don’t get it” says Billy, regarding the poor performance of his starters, every single one of which was on a losing team

  • Charles staying positive despite negative scoring from his flex position

  • Greg questioning suspects in the case of his missing Wide Receivers, “Stop calling me” says secretary of Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni

  • Has the Chubb has lost it’s Crunch? Andrew heartbroken as his Bengals players disappoint in their matchup against his own Browns

  • North Carolina prepares for the arrival of hurricane Derby, “No one understands what you’re talking about sir” says governor’s office

  • Games to watch in Week 2: Patrick and Steve battle to stay undefeated, Greg and Billy looking to avoid second loss


2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK ONE

  • Pay your buy-in! You know who you are!

  • Commissioner will visit NC on weekend of 9/12 to inspect team facilities, expects it to be “lit”

  • Fatherhood severely limiting Steve’s access to weed, jam bands, and football: overall fun down by 50% since October 2023.

  • Patrick still excited for Panthers NFL season despite the fact that entire world has forgotten they exist

  • Greg returns from bear hunting trip empty handed - “I just wanted to mount a big and hairy one” he said, talking about the women of Chicago

  • “I’ll hate them forever” says John Manziel of Browns, crushing Andrew’s hope for his idols return

  • Preparing for birth of another child, Anthony considers which kid to cut to make room on the roster

  • Mike, stunned by UNC season opener, vows to talk to random strangers about nonsense until he can come to terms

  • Andy accuses Charles of being a closeted Cowboys fan, “No such thing exists” Charles responds


2025 - TOP HEADLINES - POST DRAFT

  • But seriously, we have drafted - pay your buy-in
  • Dissatisfied with his team, Steve asks “How am I supposed to jerk it to this?”
  • Anthony, briefly possessed by Keith, drafts Mayfield and Evans
  • Greg attempts live draft while playing  rec-league baseball, “put away your phone asshole” yells teammate
  • Forced to draft from a coffee shop, Mike struggles to make decisions while Ryan sings on
  • “I’m pretty creeped out by you guys if I’m being honest” - Charles, on his second year in the league
  • The mask is off: Andy revealed to actually know about football when he saves draft of kicker and defense until final rounds
  • Inside the feud between Patrick and Greg to draft an entire team of Eagles players
  • Andrew’s reveal of new Browns tshirt derailed when he backs off of a dock during premier
  • Sources say Billy devastated by “F” draft rating from Yahoo, regrets not drafting 7th RB



2025 - TOP HEADLINES - PRESEASON

  • TFL enters 16th Season, somehow managers still can’t pay buy-in on time
  • Greg has done no draft preparation, too busy hunting animals who were minding their own business
  • Mike says he’s ready to face Charles, “I’m so horny for this”
  • NFL to hold summit on brain damage, Steve will be guest speaker to share his personal story
  • Anthony is our current Champion and the world is burning, coincidence?
  • Yelling at the screen shown to improve player performance despite protests from wives
  • Merit badge for sucking at fantasy football finally earned by Andrew, “I’ve been working on this for years” he says
  • Billy fails in attempt to get a birthday Cameo vid from favorite sexual predator, Ben Roethlisberger
  • Commissioner makes statement on 2025 Season, “Why am I still doing this?”
  • Andy is unaware of draft date, or that it is football season