Headlines Archive
2025 - TOP PLAYOFF HEADLINES
Steve and Charles face each other in TFL Championship after defeating Keith and Andrew in the semifinals
People Magazine lists TFL just behind politics and religion as the “Topics to Avoid for a Peaceful Holiday Meal”
Anthony very excited to not actually receive Tua jersey for Christmas, “That Naughty and Nice List looked very authentic”
Billy faces huge league fine after attempting to choke out TFL fan that yelled his full name, D’William Mussolini Apple McStrathmann III
After weeks of group chat silence, rumors swirl that Andy has left the league to take the place of Santa Claus after knocking him off a roof, intentionally
Greg announces a feasibility study focused on potentially relocating TheRayFinkles facilities two miles West into Orange County, hoping for a sweet stadium deal
All of the effort pays off, Pat’s horses seem thrilled with the bounty of various hays he painstakingly selected as Christmas gifts
Mike excited to spend Williams & Sonoma gift card on a variety of giant wooden spoons, twine, and decorative feathers
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK FIFTEEN
It’s the last week of the regular season!
Steve enjoying a carefree weekend with knowledge that he’s secured a playoff spot
Billy and Patrick taking their role as potential spoilers seriously, “We’re going to fucks you up” says Pat
Commissioner release statement noting that one team may be ineligible for the season based on evidence of violating league integrity policy - “I’ll share the findings after I know if I’ve made it into the playoffs”
Andy’s Voodoo Toenail Jar commands top dollar among TFL memorabilia items, “I’m going to jerk off with it” says creepy fan that made the purchase
A very confident Andrew is seeking an unopened box of Chubb Crunch in anticipation of a wild post championship breakfast celebration, please email any leads to schackaa@gmail.com
Anthony stoked to have made playoffs in 2 of his 12 leagues, states “This is the best year I’ve had since 2011”
Greg not worried about playoff chances, reports “I just need to win or score 103 points more than Keith so that I have the tiebreaker”
Game of the Week - Charles already has a hefty lead on Keith, but this matchup has the biggest implication for playoffs
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK FOURTEEN
No teams have clinched a playoff spot with two weeks left in the regular season!
Congratulations to Anthony and Caroline! Their family is now large enough to play as a basketball team
Billy now has more wins than the actual Giants, Raiders, Saints, Titans, or Giants - I hear that New York is looking for a new coach!
With the playoffs out of reach, Patrick finds new meaning in life by turning his attention back to his neglected DIY Barbie Dreamhouse project
Cyber monday traffic crashes ShopTFL website, “I couldn’t get my calendar or the autographed photos of Andy and Andrew” says website user EagleScoutLover69
“He said he’d get me to the playoffs but then I lost to Greg the next day, I sat on his lap, I feel so used” says Keith after disappointing mall Santa visit
“Please, just stop the yelling”, Charles asked to tone it down yet again as his lineup-setting bathroom mirror pep talks continue to get out of hand.
A support group for eliminated managers has been formed and will be meeting on Tuesday nights. RSVP with Billy, bring your own beer and tissues
Game to Watch: Mike and Andrew vie for a potential playoff spot - A loss for Mike means elimination and a loss for Andrew puts him into a “needs a miracle” situation
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK THIRTEEN
Three weeks remain in the season with no team having clinched a playoff spot. Parity!
Steve wins TFL best-turkey contest after submitting the only entry. His prize? Getting to eat delicious turkey
Thanksgiving games give Week 13 an early start with Patrick and Andy already having seen at least 5 players disappoint them earlier than usual.
BabyWatch 2025: No news from Anthony on status of Caroline Junior, baby expected “eventually”
NFL network preparing to air 2013 NFC Championship game on Sunday evening to fill timeslot - “We may have blown our load a bit early with having four games already over before the weekend” says top executive
Facing controversy from conservative groups after TFL Thanksgiving Day Parade, Charles changes team name to “Modest Ends, Covered Fronts”
“Once again, yes I’m still playing and yes I’m still in 3rd place. Gimme my headline bitch?” says Greg
TFL Commissioner being treated for severe smoke inhalation following fuckin’ awesome flaming guitar solos and pyrotechnics during parade finale.
Game of the Week: Mike and Anthony battle against the odds, and each other, to stay relevant and keep their season alive
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK TWELVE
With four weeks left in the season, no team has truly been statistically eliminated from playoff contention - Yes, even Billy!
Outraged by the leak that Heart was setting his lineup, reports say that Mike took over running his team in week ten to the delight of the rest of the TFL managers
Andrew proud to get his Chubb back
Patrick stares angrily at his roster, not sure which player to blame for his 4 loss skid, “Dammit Snowdrop, who should I start at QB?”
Steve picks up the Jacksonville Defense of waivers for free, which is only slightly cheaper than the price of the tickets Keith has bought to see the Jags@Cardinals game on Sunday
“We’re a defensive minded organization” says Charles when asked why his TE’s can’t score more than 4 points
Henderson puts up another 27 points for Anthony, this time as a starter - “We made the right choice”, says Anthony regarding the selection of TreVeyon for the baby’s first name
Matchup of the Week: Greg (4th, 6-5) and Andy (5th, 6-5) are playoff contenders with the potential to set their strongest opposition back by a game
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK ELEVEN
Billy notches his first win, avoids a Reverse-Dolphins situation
Moving into first place, Keith patiently awaits endorsement deal offers
November 22nd trade deadline is quickly approach - “Nobody in this league is tradin’ shit” says a very correct Charles
Anthony and Patrick kneel during Thursday Night Football national anthem in protest of “unfair conditions” at 4-6
“We deeply regret all of the vulgar responses”, New Yorker magazine editor regarding “trashy” TFL comic caption contest
“The waxing moon, aligned with Mercury in retrograde, plus dropping Chubb”, local psychic on Andrew’s season-high 160 point game
“Yes I'm still playing bitch, I'm in third place” says Greg
Game of the Week: Anthony really needs a win and has a great head start from Thursdays fame, but he has to topple Andrew as he's coming off or a banner game
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK TEN
Ninth-place Patrick only two games behind first-place Steve, “a fucking crazy season” says foul-mouthed analyst
Federal government shutdown threatens to disrupt NFL team travel and impact TFL season, “Huh?” says average dipshit on the street
Rigged cornhole matches and TFL star-power: FBI investigating potential Marinara Mafia connection to TFL managers
Let’s pause to give Billy some credit for his continued effort to try and fuck up everyone elses seasons - we salute you!
“I’m not worried, rest of season I play a bunch of 4-5 teams… look at my point total” says Mike, forgetting that his record is 5-4
Shirly Temple uncertain about her foundations CEO appearing in sexually charged Men of TFL calendar, demands “private meeting” with Charles
Exasperated by the baby name search Anthony commits to naming his next child after whichever player scores him the most points this week
The End of an Era: Andrew’s Chubb Crunch says goodbye to namesake Nick Chubb in tear filed waiver exchange
“Behold, the student has become the master!” says Andy as he vows to lose to Billy in this weeks matchup
Game of the Week: Steve (1st, 6-3) faces Charles (5th, 5-4) in this matchup that Yahoo has a hardon for
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK NINE
Record turn out for TFL Dia De Los Muertos as managers and fans leave flowers and gifts at the ofrenda for Billy’s team
Mike at top of standings because his team has Heart. No, but seriously, she’s picking his lineup
“And now witness, the student has become the master” shouts Andy, vowing to beat Mike this week
TFL front office announces new exemption request process for mandatory heart emojis replies to TFL News messages
“This is total bullshit, I know I could take him” says Greg, angry that he was paired with Chucky in the Halloween video
Ain’t trying to get none of that stank on me”: Patrick, Charles, and Andrew scramble to avoid a loss that would put their team next to Billy at the bottom of the standings
TFL children’s costume contest faces controversy - Ms. Rachel surprise appearance incites anger from pro-kid bombing groups
Game to Watch this Week: Patrick and Anthony face off in a contest that’s sure to be as exciting as a very sexy floor jiujitsu match
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK EIGHT
First place Steve already celebrating a future win, “Andy is my bitch and can gargle my balls” says Steve with his new-found 5-2 confidence
Mike, in second place with number one waiver priority, “I cherish it as if it were my second kid”, he says, having forgotten that he already has a second kid
Week eight “Byemageddon” in action as six teams have the week off, meaning we’re all probably fucked
Keith reports that he’s very excited about not having to make so many decisions about which Running Back to start now that they’re all on a bye-week together
Injury Updates: Bucky Irving (shoulder/foot) and Jayden Daniels (hamstring) out for Week 8, Andy (groin/jerkin’ it) designated as questionable
Investigation into mysterious package mailed to Patrick, “We’re concerned this could be dangerous, the X-rays show it has some sort of magnetic components and adhesive chemicals lined on paper” says lead investigator
Inspirational statistics: Approximately 3% of 2024 fantasy playoff contenders in 10 team leagues had records with 8 losses, so there’s still hope for you yet Billy/William/Billiam.
Anthony confused by “MVP, MVP, MVP” chants as he swaps in Tez Johnson for Mike Evans, thinking that his wife is cheering for him instead of Whit’s masterful use of the potty
Game to Watch in Week Eight: Everyone has basically the same record, so who knows. Let’s call it Andrew and Greg since they’re in 3rd and 5th place
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK SEVEN
Mediocrity reigns in TFL as 6 teams have 3-3 records, “My team is the fantasy equivalent of Live-Laugh-Love wall decor” says Greg
As the NFL trade deadline approaches Andrew holds out hopes that the Browns will trade their entire roster with another team
Steve gifted a new pair of strangler gloves just in time for Halloween, “I haven’t played golf in weeks but these are still very useful” he say
Sales of custom TFL jerseys for Anthony skyrocket after his appearance in TFL special report video, is Mr. Bubbles now America’s new sweetheart?
Billy, ya dead mon?
Giddy to have “passed” as a football dude, Andy learns that he’s has accidentally learned enough the topic to have a conversation about it with a stranger at a bar
Bye weeks got you down - Why not try Kareem Hunt for the 6th year in a row?
With a league high 19 waiver moves, Keith brings in star WR Groin Questionable from the practice squad
TFL Commissioner receives email from Patrick listing all of his accomplishments and interests in an effort to curb “played out” horse jokes
Game to Watch in Week Seven: Mike (4th, 3-3) and Keith (2nd, 4-2) vie to stay near the top of the standings
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK SIX
“It’s a game that requires a brilliant mind and I’m great with statistics ” says 1st place Andy, somehow with literally the fewest points scored all season
Pizzagate: The truth comes out about Steve’s connections to what crime podcasts call The Marinara Mafia
Government shutdown severely impacting TFL operations, “I work on this shit during my boring meetings and now I don’t have meetings” says league commissioner
TFL Gives Back: Patrick starts charity foundation to rid his community of the super gross insects that must be all over in Locust, NC
United Nations make calls to Greg and Keith to help negotiate Ukraine peace talks, “We believe these trade experts from TFL can solve this whole damn mess”
Mike spends anniversary weekend partying at the beach, “More, more” signs Heart as the Tiki Bar announces last call
“I’ll fuckin’ do it!” Driven to desperation, Billy locks himself in bathroom and threatens to drop entire lineup unless he gets some good trade offers
Andrew narrowly defeats Mike, declares himself to be in 1st place based on what he calls “wrasslin’ rules”
Charles and Anthony escape headline insults as Keith runs out of time an energy
Game to watch in Week 5: The second and third place teams go head-to-head, with Mike and Steve hoping to move to 4-2 to keep themselves close top of the standings
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK FIVE
Mike takes the highest score of week four, stays in first place, vows to drain the swamp and make himself commissioner when he wins the championship
Billy remains winless, regrets messing with that ouija board to try and contact Mean Joe Green and John Madden for sit/start advice
TFL managers in love with Miami’s all black jersey’s, league considers converting to fashion magazine - Charles leads in polls as potential editor
“I shouldn’t have drafted Kelsey, he’s whipped and can’t stay focused on football” says Andrew, who is too whipped to focus on fantasy football.
Rumors swirl on TFL commissioner bias in updates, “You’re damn right I’m biased, biased against every one of you clowns” says Keith
Steve has weird dream about CMC becoming his children's godfather, writes it off to massive bong rip just before bed
Greg is still optimistic despite 2-2 record, “I’m going to win this thing and then use the prize money to buy new Oakley’s to wear on top of my head”
Conspiracy Theory: With 500 points scored against him, Anthony demands independent observers audit results
Game to watch in Week 5: Patrick (3rd place) and Andy (4th) face-off, with both under 400 points scored for the season, one of them could face a big fall in the standings
2025 - TOP HEADLINES ENTERING WEEK FOUR
League working on sexy “The Men of TFL” calendar, please email boudoir photos to fugamt@msn.com by the end of the this week
Steve’s stacked squad hit a scoring peak this week, claps Anthony’s cheeks, hopes this starts a first place streak
Much like that weird City Bev night that Patrick and Tristen won’t talk about, Pat declines to comment on losing his first game of the season to Mike
Andy’s loss to Greg’s puts them both at 2-1, “All I care about is that I’m doing better than Keith” says Andy
Not a midnight dreary for Charles as Ravens lead him to victory, putting Billy in last place, evermore
Andrew’s team folds like CeeDee Lamb’s ankle, giving Keith his first victory of the season
TFL inks sponsorship deal with Land O’ Frost cold cut company, “Ain’t nobody picking their own damn jersey colors so shut the fuck up” says company president David Van Eekeren
Games to watch in Week 4: With 6 teams at 2-1, four of them face each other - Patrick vs. Steve, and Mike vs. Charles
2025 - TOP HEADLINES HEADED INTO WEEK THREE
Patrick and Andy remain undefeated, while Keith and Billy are trampled under foot
Charles has powerful surge to top Mike in a tight come-from-behind victory. Buttsex.
Open mic catches Patrick talking trash on Steve, calls him “green”, “unstarted”, and “A pony of less than 12 hands”, horsetalk equivalent to dropping the N word.
First to worst? Anthony’s team, and ego, deflates after major blowout loss
Tristen briefly pops out of burrow to say “Hey Derbs”, predicting six more weeks of pre-season quality football
Greg is triumphant over Billy in the fantasy football equivalent of “Dinner For Schmucks”
Ram’s head coach Sean McVay tears foot ligament during game, Mike tears groin ligament watching Ram’s cheerleaders
“The glass is half full”, says Steve, as he downs his bourbon after loss that drops him to 1-1
Games to watch in week 3: #1 Patrick goes up against #3 Mike, Steve and Anthony are both 1-1 and only one can walk away with a winning record
2025 - TOP HEADLINES FOR WEEK TWO
Anthony has highest scoring team of the week, defends his championship in epic shootout
Still praying for a stat correction, Keith devastated to have lost by by less than a point, demands to speak to Yahoo’s manager
Mike, Pat, and Steve earn respectable wins, Andy somehow gets to have a win on his record as well
Manager’s children not thrilled about their parents watching football all day, “Bullshit” exclaims Theo
“I don’t get it” says Billy, regarding the poor performance of his starters, every single one of which was on a losing team
Charles staying positive despite negative scoring from his flex position
Greg questioning suspects in the case of his missing Wide Receivers, “Stop calling me” says secretary of Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni
Has the Chubb has lost it’s Crunch? Andrew heartbroken as his Bengals players disappoint in their matchup against his own Browns
North Carolina prepares for the arrival of hurricane Derby, “No one understands what you’re talking about sir” says governor’s office
Games to watch in Week 2: Patrick and Steve battle to stay undefeated, Greg and Billy looking to avoid second loss
2025 - TOP HEADLINES FOR WEEK ONE
Pay your buy-in! You know who you are!
Commissioner will visit NC on weekend of 9/12 to inspect team facilities, expects it to be “lit”
Fatherhood severely limiting Steve’s access to weed, jam bands, and football: overall fun down by 50% since October 2023.
Patrick still excited for Panthers NFL season despite the fact that entire world has forgotten they exist
Greg returns from bear hunting trip empty handed - “I just wanted to mount a big and hairy one” he said, talking about the women of Chicago
“I’ll hate them forever” says John Manziel of Browns, crushing Andrew’s hope for his idols return
Preparing for birth of another child, Anthony considers which kid to cut to make room on the roster
Mike, stunned by UNC season opener, vows to talk to random strangers about nonsense until he can come to terms
Andy accuses Charles of being a closeted Cowboys fan, “No such thing exists” Charles responds
2025 - TOP HEADLINES - POST DRAFT
But seriously, we have drafted - pay your buy-in
Dissatisfied with his team, Steve asks “How am I supposed to jerk it to this?”
Anthony, briefly possessed by Keith, drafts Mayfield and Evans
Greg attempts live draft while playing rec-league baseball, “put away your phone asshole” yells teammate
Forced to draft from a coffee shop, Mike struggles to make decisions while Ryan sings on
“I’m pretty creeped out by you guys if I’m being honest” - Charles, on his second year in the league
The mask is off: Andy revealed to actually know about football when he saves draft of kicker and defense until final rounds
Inside the feud between Patrick and Greg to draft an entire team of Eagles players
Andrew’s reveal of new Browns tshirt derailed when he backs off of a dock during premier
Sources say Billy devastated by “F” draft rating from Yahoo, regrets not drafting 7th RB
2025 - TOP HEADLINES - PRESEASON
TFL enters 16th Season, somehow managers still can’t pay buy-in on time
Greg has done no draft preparation, too busy hunting animals who were minding their own business
Mike says he’s ready to face Charles, “I’m so horny for this”
NFL to hold summit on brain damage, Steve will be guest speaker to share his personal story
Anthony is our current Champion and the world is burning, coincidence?
Yelling at the screen shown to improve player performance despite protests from wives
Merit badge for sucking at fantasy football finally earned by Andrew, “I’ve been working on this for years” he says
Billy fails in attempt to get a birthday Cameo vid from favorite sexual predator, Ben Roethlisberger
Commissioner makes statement on 2025 Season, “Why am I still doing this?”
Andy is unaware of draft date, or that it is football season