Week Five Analysis
In a week full of close matchups, Andy’s razor thin victory of Patrick bumps him up into first place with a 4-1 record
League-Wide Summary
Highest Score: Anthony (132.46)
Lowest Score: Patrick (77.00).
Largest Margin of Victory: 24.44 (Anthony over Billy, 132.46 to 108.02).
Smallest Margin of Victory: 0.10 (Andy over Patrick, 77.10 to 77.00).
Top Individual Performer: Matthew Stafford, 31.56 points for Greg
Perfect Lineups: Two managers, Mike and Greg*, achieved perfect lineups this week, with no player on their bench outscoring any of their starters. There is an asterisk next to Greg’s name, as it should be noted that his entire bench is made up of corpses.
Matchup 1: Patrick (77.00) vs. Andy (77.10)
Patrick had a great start to the season and was leading the league at one point, but like a frothy mixture of gross foam in one of those beer brewing things, it’s Andy that’s risen to the top. It was a underwhelming performance that managed to bring Andy into first place, fitting given the fact that he has the league’s lowest total points scored at this point in the season.
- Historic Finish: In a heated contest to see which team could be the most disappointing, this came down to the wire, featuring both the week's lowest scores but also the smallest margin of victory at just 0.10 points
- Aerial Ass-ault: A primary reason for the low score was the catastrophic failure of Patrick’s starting pass catchers, with three wide receivers and a tight end combining for approximately 20 points.
- Strategy or Dumbassery: Bye weeks impacted both teams, but did Andy chose to leave an injured CeeDee Lamb in his lineup rather than make any waiver moves? If it was a gamble, it worked. Also, he still could have had a decisive victory had he swapped in either of his active players from the bench, with Bo Nix and Jake Feguson outscoring the respective QB and TE duo that started.
Matchup 2: Billy (108.02) vs. Anthony (132.46)
His team has scored progressively higher each week, but his season best of 108 points still wasn’t enough to get Billy his first win. Like the feisty blowjob loving lady his “Hawk Tua” is named after, Anthony’s squad put up another enthusiastic performance and emerged victorious.
- A Big Score: Anthony's massive load of 132.46 points was the highest score of any team in Week 5. Spit on that thang!
- QB Dance-off: The matchup featured a high-level quarterback battle, with Anthony's Baker Mayfield (30.66) and Bill's Justin Fields (29.92) finishing as two of the top three scoring QBs for the week.
- Kickin’ It: Anthony's kicker, Kaimi Fairbairn, scored an exceptional 18.00 points. This performance alone accounted for nearly 75% of the 24.44-point margin of victory.
Matchup 3: Mike (126.22) vs. Andrew (127.88)
Three of this week’s matchups were decided by less than 5 points, and this was another one of those close calls. Andrew got a much needed win with his best performance of the season, and rumor has it that Jheanne even let him blow that slide whistle in celebration (this is to be interpreted literally, and is not slang for something dirty).
- Perfect, But Useless, Lineup: Michael Fuga achieved an optimal lineup, with no benched player scoring more than any starter. Despite maximizing his roster's potential, he still fell just short
- Bench Moves: Andrew left a league-high 65.58 points on his bench. Specifically, starting Daniel Jones (20.68) over Dak Prescott (36.28) was a 15.6-point mistake that almost cost him the win.
- RBs Poppin’ Off In This Bitch: The matchup was highlighted by dominant running back play on both sides. Andrew’s duo of Jonathan Taylor and De'Von Achane combined for 39.20 points, while Michael Fuga was led by Jacory Croskey-Merritt’s 25.00 points.
Matchup 4: Keith (100.02) vs. Steve (97.54)
At first Keith was like, “Yeah Baby” but then he was like, “Oh shit, he only needs 7 points tomorrow”. Then he was all like “HAHAHA that’s right, hell yeah”, and then Steve was like “Fuck.”
- Upset of the Week: Keith claimed victory over Steve in a stunning result, winning the matchup by less than 3 points despite a projected loss going into the last game.
- It All Comes Down to This: On Monday night, the only remaining player was Steve’s kicker, Harrison Butker, who only needed to score 6.5 points to give him a win. Butker’s score of 4 points came only from point-afters, with no field goals made.
- Dodging a Bullet: Steve’s lineup was almost optimal, leaving only a few points off the board. Keith made a major blunder in starting Kenneth Walker over David Montgomery, which would have given him 10 more points and a less dramatic victory.
Matchup 5: Greg (103.56) vs. Charles (118.42)
Both of these guys significantly outperformed their projected scores, but Greg started off at an expected 10 point disadvantage. In the first games of the week Charles whipped out his Loose Front and slammed it down on the table, and Greg’s team never recovered from the trauma.
- One-Man Show: Matthew Stafford was the highest-scoring player of the week with 31.56 points. His performance accounted for over 30% of Greg's team total.
- Such Balance: In contrast to Greg's top-heavy scoring, Charles won with a balanced attack. His top two RBs and WRs all gave him a solid floor, with the lowest scoring 9.80 points.
- Bye Bye Bye: Both teams suffered in the first week of byes, with Greg and Charles missing two of their regular starters who had the week off, on top of some key injuries that had already hurt their lineups.