Commissioner's Corner

Our investigative reporters have come across some internal correspondence from the TFL commissioner's office. Included below are internal letters and emails written to the commissioner over the last few weeks from various league managers, as well as responses from the commissioner himself. This correspondence is being published with permission from the commissioner's office. Asked for a quote regarding the content of these letters the commissioner stated "Yeah, I don't give a shit if you show everyone what these weirdo's keep asking me about".

The following is real correspondence that has not been edited for context, grammar, or clarity:

Mr. Commissioner, 

As the reigning champ, I'm used to a certain standard. My roster has players named Tetaireh McMillan and Quinton Judkins. Are these even real people? Also, I’ve got George Pickens and the Pittsburgh Defense. Billy is now accusing me of "Steeler-appropriation" and says that I can’t have this many Steelers on my team if I’m not a “real fan”. Please tell him to jam it in his butt.

Sincerely,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

You make a great point about being the current champion, and that certainly deserves some respect. What an unfortunate situation. Yes, those are real people and sometimes they do score points. Unfortunately, you still have to work with the players you have. Have you considered trading with Billy since he's got a hard-on for those Steelers? If Greg can dress as a Jamaican for the Beer Olympics I don't think you need to worry accusations of fandom identify theft. Please direct all butt-jamming requests directly to Billy if you have any further concerns on this issue.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Commish, 

I'm starting two different Jaylens. One is a Waddle and one is a Warren. Is this permissible under fantasy football rules? I don’t want any confusion about my score. These are separate people, right?

Thanks,

Andy

Dear Andy,

What a great collection of Jaylen's that you have there. If you can also collect the "Jalen Hurts" variant you'd have the full set. Unfortunately, Your Jalen Waddle isn't in in mint condition as he's currently listed as questionable. Don't worry about your points being calculated correctly, the points they score will all be accounted for as they are definitely separate people.  

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Mr. Commish, 

My roster has Ja'Marr Chase, Jonathan Taylor, and De'Von Achane but my record is only 4-3. Based on star power alone I should be at least 6-1. What kind of league are you running that you would call this fair?

Disappointedly,

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your inquiry. Those are great players and I'm happy to know that you're so proud of your roster. I won't be able to award you any extra wins for having superstars on your team. If you have concerns about league operations please check out the sidebar of the TFL News site, which has a link where you can file a formal complaint.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Hey Commish, 

I'm thinking of writing a sad, blues song about the terrible RBs that I have and Kyle Monangai's 4.09 point projection. If I can get footage of a coffee shop standing ovation would you consider allotting me a bonus “win” so that I've got at least one "W" on my record? Or maybe a 5-point "artistic expression" bonus or at least a higher waiver priority?

Sincerely,

Billy

Dear Billy,

I have a lot of faith that you could write a soulful melody that'd please all coffeeshop cougars and purple haired baristas. I can't alter how the league operates to meet any of your requests. What I can say is that you've still got the chance to completely fuck up everyone else's seasons, which can be almost as enjoyable as winning championships. Keep on keepin' on.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Commish, 

It has been pointed out that the Cowboys suck and are terrible, but I would like to make sure everyone knows that I only have Brandon Aubrey on my roster because he is the most talented kicker of our generation. As the record-holder for the longest field goal ever recorded at Neal Middle School, I know a thing or two about kicking footballs. Trust me, I would not have a Cowboy on my team if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. So to recap, I do not like the Cowboys but I do like having a kicker that scores lots of points. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Charles

Dear Charles,

Thank you for the update. I don't think anyone is too concerned about you having a player from the Cowboys on your team and no one has come to me questioning your kicking abilities. 

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Commissioner 

Keith, As an officer of the law, I'm looking at my lineup, which includes starting Joe Flacco and Mason Taylor. This is clearly a crime scene and we need to lock this whole thing down, maybe freeze this entire roster. As you can imagine, no further results from this season can be tabulated until the formal investigation is over. Please go ahead and let everyone know what’s going on.

Chief Detective in Charge of Fantasy Crime,

Lt. Greg

Dear Greg,

I'm sure you're aware of this, but TFL operates outside the law of mortal men. While I agree that starting Mason Taylor is sort of messed up, unfortunately it's not illegal to end up stuck with bad players. For what it's worth, I'd like to compliment you on your patience as I continue to hammer on the police officer jokes. It just never gets old. Cheers!

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Mr. Commissioner, 

In the very early hours of this morning I spent 30 minutes talking to a WWII veteran and a drag queen about football while eating a breakfast biscuit on the curb outside of Time-Out. This morning I awoke to a hangover and the entire Kansas City Chiefs team in my lineup. The league website says I drafted all of these people but I don’t feel like that’s something I would have done. Please investigate.

Thanks,

Mike

Dear Mike,

Thanks for your inquiry. I've done some research, and you did actually draft all of those players. Whatever those random people said to you about the Chiefs at 1am had nothing to do with the fact that they're on your team. For what it's worth, with Rashee Rice back it seems like a good setup, so maybe don't worry about it. Best of luck to you in your matchup!

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Commish, 

You've ignored all of my other accomplishments and the horse jokes continue. This week I'm forced to start Rhamondre Stevenson, who fumbles so often he should be turned into glue, and Isiah Pacheco, who runs like he needs a visit from a farrier. There, I beat you to the stupid horse jokes. Happy?

Get Bent,

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

I apologize for all of the horse jokes. I'll refocus my efforts on the Panthers and Juijitsu Threesomes. Be sure to tell Snowdrop and Honeydew that I said hello.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby

Dear Commissioner, 

I have Christian McCaffrey, which is like owning a Ferrari that sometimes breaks down but is so awesome that it’s worth it. This week, I am being forced to start Zach Ertz, which is like owning a push mower that’s hard to start, has dull blades, and that isn’t even self-propelled. I think that, as the first place team, I should be entitled to just pick a position that my opponent and I just skip for the week. This week I would like that position to be Tight End please. Thank you and have a great day.

Sincerely,

Steve

Dear Steve,

Thanks for your message. Lots of questions lately for changing the rules and scoring based on special cirumstances. Unfortunately, I can't accommodate your request to draw a line through your matchup's tight end scores for the week. What I can say is that, unlike a sports car, you can still operate a push mower after a few beers, so crack a cold one and fire up your Ertz.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Derby