Know Your Enemy




Heading into its 16th season, many of the managers in the league know each other pretty well. But there are some things you might not know about your competition this year. Let’s take some time to learn a little about each of our managers before the season kicks off:


Anthony Bonchick

  • Current league champion.
  • Works for a company that sells, and maybe buys, pipes or something.
  • Enjoys playing the drums but only if it’s on a song that is more than 40 minutes long.
  • Current record holder for “steepest driveway,” having taken the lead from Steve a few years ago when he moved.
  • If he eats too fast, he gets sick; possible weakness to be exploited during the draft by sending him pizza.


Andy Morrison

  • Bravely left his job as a teacher to pursue a cool career drinking and selling beer. However, I believe that he now sells beer brewing equipment and technology, which is more like “cool adjacent” at best.
  • Somehow still lives in Durham despite his undying love for the Pacific Northwest and hiking through trees or some shit like that.
  • Renowned for his refined palate; is a certified Cicerone but secretly enjoys Waffle House food, so think about that.
  • Claims that he has no understanding of football but secretly does research or gets advice from people outside the league. Be wary of the false front that he puts up.


Andrew Schack

  • Continues to work as a teacher because he’s great at it and apparently has a high tolerance for the bullshit that comes with it.
  • Almost passes as a normal guy but just can’t stop talking about Simon Kenton and his hatred of Daniel Boone.
  • Can only drink gluten free beer and is a self-professed lightweight. Could be used against him to manipulate trades.
  • Lives freakishly close to Anthony. Watch these two for possible collusion.


Billy Strathmann

  • Director at an insurance claims company, but don’t worry, it’s property insurance and not healthcare, so you don’t need to hate him or be worried about him getting Luigi’d.
  • Could have used his wicked guitar playing skills to pull in all the ladies, but got married so he could leave some for the rest of us.
  • Pretty sure his actual name is William Strathmann III, so watch out, because there could be more than one Billy out there, as I assume this means he is a clone.
  • The most predisposed homer in the league, based on my observations; potential weakness to exploit his love for the Steelers.


Charles Glover

  • CEO of a nonprofit, which I assume means he makes no money at all and is destitute.
  • Named his white dog Falcor, possibly one of the greatest dog names I’ve ever heard.
  • Has the record for the longest field goal kicked at Neal Middle School in Durham, NC.
  • Newest league member but got 3rd place in his first season; try to trick him into thinking it’s easy to win and get him overconfident.


Mike Fuga

  • Works as a principal for some fancy pants private academy where they probably all wear uniforms and show courtesy to each other when they enter classrooms with marble floors and granite columns.
  • The only member of the league who has a doctorate, but don’t worry, he’s still a dumbass like the rest of us.
  • Has owned nothing but Jeep Grand Cherokee SUVs for his entire life and is on his 11th one.
  • Easily distracted by talking to total strangers; could be used against him during the draft if some rando just walks by and says hi to him.


Greg Novotny

  • This man is on the police force and is the supervisor for the detectives who solve crimes. So don’t commit any fantasy football related crimes, or he’ll getcha!
  • Is the proud owner of a mint condition Neil Goodman rookie card as a result of his generous baseball card donation for my kids.
  • Keeps his head shaved for the sole purpose of hydrodynamics, in case he suddenly needs to swim competitively.
  • Has masterminded a casino heist, establishing himself as corrupt, like Denzel in Training Day. Could possibly be bribed to throw games or frame other managers.


Keith Goodman

  • The government has him pushing too many pencils in his job as a compliance auditor, so he has weak grip strength for handshakes and arm wrestling.
  • Your glorious leader who scored 34 in his first ever attempt at playing golf, with 11 holes in one.
  • Wastes his time writing fantasy football content that no one reads.
  • Makes way too many waiver moves each year. Could trick him into psyching himself out and dropping a starter.


Patrick Storz

  • Manager of the city’s Stormwater Services, which sounds cool, but I know nothing about it.
  • Was still requesting checks for his payouts up until 2021; possibly Amish.
  • Is into horses and that kind of stuff, presumably because he enjoys mucking stalls and spending lots of money to do hard work.
  • Makes it into the playoffs way too often. Must be eliminated.


Steve Zeh

  • Does software development and coding stuff, which I tried to do, and it was boring as fuck, so I don’t know how he does it.
  • Cannot be trusted, as people have literally witnessed his pants on fire, proving that he is actually a liar, liar.
  • Has flown to South America with the specific goal of committing bird genocide.
  • Steve is possibly the most kindhearted member of the league. Use this to crush him.