Week One Analysis




Week One - Biggest Story


Anthony had the highest score of the week and successfully defended his championship title against Keith!



Week One League-Wide Summary

  • Highest Score: Anthony (118.08)
  • Lowest Score: Billy (62.52)
  • Largest Margin of Victory: 13.06 (Patrick over Andrew)
  • Smallest Margin of Victory: 0.62 (Anthony over Keith)
  • Top Individual Performer: Josh Allen (42.76 points for Keith)
  • Perfect Lineups (Starters outscored all bench options): Greg, Steve, Keith.


Matchup 1: Andy (64.94) vs. Billy (62.52)


This matchup featured the two lowest-scoring teams of the week and was decided by a narrow margin of 2.42 points. As they do in bed, both managers significantly underperformed. They had a combined score of 127.46 points, against a combined projection of 205.90 points.

  • Underperformance Decides Outcome: Both teams scored well below their projected totals. Billy scored 37.05 points below their projection, while Andy scored 40.39 points below theirs. The win was determined by which team had a less catastrophic week.
  • The Deciding Factor: The performance of the running backs was critical. Andy's duo of Chase Brown (11.10) and Alvin Kamara (11.70) combined for 22.80 points. To clarify for Andy, a running back is a position in football where the player primarily runs forward with the ball, as opposed to catching it from a "pass". In contrast, Billy' RBs, Omarion Hampton (6.10) and RJ Harvey (6.90), combined for only 13.00 points, a difference of 9.8 points which was more than the final margin.
  • Costly Bench Decisions: Billy left 49.60 points on the bench, the second-highest total in the league. Setting an optimal lineup by starting Kyler Murray (22.32) over Dak Prescott (7.82) and Emeka Egbuka (19.60) over Malik Nabers (7.10) would have added 27.00 points, resulting in a score of 89.52 and an easy victory.
  • "Boom/Bust" Player Ratio: This matchup's low scoring is explained by a staggering lack of top performers. Across both rosters' 18 starters, there were zero "boom" players (top-12 QB/TE, top-24 WR/RB for the week). That's right, neither of these clowns had a single skill position player within the top 12 performers for the week.


Matchup 2: Mike (96.02) vs. Greg (93.48)


This was a close contest won by Mike by just 2.54 points. Greg nearly had a comeback toward the end, but instead he got faced. There's some sort of cum/comeback joke here but I'm not that nasty.

  • A Tale of Two Quarterbacks: Patrick Mahomes (28.02) was the key performer for Mike, exceeding his projection by nearly 7 points. Conversely, Brock Purdy (22.78) for Greg also had a strong game, but the rest of the roster could not keep pace.
  • Perfect Lineup Management: Greg set a perfect lineup, as every starter scored more points than every player on the bench. Impressive to have a perfect lineup and still lose, but more impressive is that Keith also managed the same feat this week!
  • Receiver Disparity: The outcome was heavily influenced by wide receiver performance. DK Metcalf (8.30) and Brock Bowers (10.30) for Mike combined for 18.60 points. Greg' receivers, Ladd McConkey (7.40) and DeVonta Smith (1.60), combined for just 9.00 points. The 9.6-point difference in this area was pivotal.
  • Costly Starter: Amon-Ra St. Brown was the biggest underperformer for the winning team, scoring only 4.50 points against a projection of 9.66. Mike can't wait for Rashee Rice to come back from that suspension.
  • Touchdown Dependency: Mike showed highly sustainable scoring. Only 10.4% of his 96.02 points came directly from touchdowns (10 total TD points). This indicates a victory built, not on volatility, but a consistent scoring foundation. As a coincidence "Consistent Scoring Foundation" is the name of Mike's book he wrote about trying to bang hotties.


Matchup 3: Patrick (93.48) vs. Andrew (80.42)


This matchup resulted in the largest margin of victory for the week (13.06 points). Patrick had some underperforming players but still managed to ass-jam Andrew.

  • Overcoming Projections: Andrew was projected to win by nearly 14 points (114.96 to 101.19). However, their roster collapsed, scoring 34.54 points below expectations. Key underperformers included Ja'Marr Chase (2.60), Isiah Pacheco (2.80), and Travis Kelce (1.50). He should probably drop all of those guys.
  • Breakout Performances: The win for Patrick was powered by two significant overperformers. Zay Flowers scored 21.10 points against a 9.12 projection (+11.98), and Jahmyr Gibbs scored 15.50 against a 13.97 projection (+1.53). These performances were crucial in overcoming single-digit outings from A.J. Brown (0.80) and Garrett Wilson (1.50).
  • Suboptimal QB Choice: The manager of Patrick started Jalen Hurts (24.28) but left Caleb Williams (26.20) on the bench. Even though Williams scored slightly more this was a great decision because he didn't have to watch the incredibly boring first half of the Bears/Vikings game.
  • Projection Accuracy: No team in the league underperformed their projection more than Andrew's "Chubb Crunch". Their final score of 80.42 was 30% lower than their projected 114.96 points, making them the least predictable and most disappointing team, a feat more impressive considering that Andrew didn't roster a single Browns player.


Matchup 4: Steve (98.52) vs. Charles (87.56)


Steve secured a 10.96-point victory based on the juxtaposition of his perfect starting lineup, and the perfect lineup that Charles left on his bench.

  • Perfect Lineup, Solid Win: Steve started their optimal lineup, with every starter outscoring every benched player. This maximized their team's potential and secured the victory.
  • Costliest Bench in the League: Charles left a league-high 57.60 points on the bench. Making optimal swaps—Deebo Samuel (15.60) for Tyreek Hill (4.00), Jaylen Reed (18.40) for Nakho Johnson (-0.20), and Tyler Bass (18.90) for Brandon Aubrey (11.00)—would have added 38.10 points to their score. This would have turned his 87.56 final score into 125.66, giving him the highest score of the week and a hard-on.
  • Negative Scorer: Adding insult to injury, Nakho Johnson's -0.20 points for Charles was a significant detriment.
  • Defense Wins Championships: The Minnesota defense was a standout performer for Steve, scoring 10.00 points, which was higher than three of the opposing team's skill-position players (Tyreek Hill, Mark Andrews, and Nakho Johnson).


Matchup 5: Anthony (118.08) vs. Keith (117.46)


This was the highest-scoring and closest matchup of the week. Much like his wife's patience for Anthony's bullshit, the margin of his victory was razor thin, with only 0.62 points separating the final scores.

  • A Win in Spite of a Bust: Anthony managed to win despite a very poor performance from Mike Evans (5.10 points). The slack was picked up by Derrick Henry (28.20), whose massive game was the single most important factor in this victory.
  • Perfect Lineup for the Loser: Keith set a perfect lineup, starting all of their highest-scoring players. Greg and Keith, losers with perfect line-up twinsies!
  • Bench Strength: Anthony had the strongest bench in the league this week, with Justin Herbert (33.92) posting a score that would have made him the second-highest scoring QB of the week behind only Josh Allen. Anthony will continue to enjoy collecting top 10 quarterbacks all season long, so if you've got one please feel free to give him a trade offer.
  • Red Zone Opportunities: A key to Anthony's victory was efficiency near the goal line. For instance, Kyren Williams' 12.90 points were primarily driven by his high-value touches, as he scored two touchdowns on just three carries inside the opponent's 10-yard line. This capitalized on limited opportunities and proved crucial in the narrow win.